The Beginning of Reflections

Hello Readers! Time is moving! I see I went from having surgery the next day, to nothing! Like, what happened with the procedure?

Yes I had the procedure on my back. For now, I'm still dealing with some pain and will be posting reflections over the year which began a day ago with an introductory video posted on FB. I will continue giving updates as it relations to my health and my
living.  Let's begin:

2017 Reflections - Dec. 2016
Yeah, yeah, the pic is from 2016. I thought it would be a great place to start. Angie is one of my BFFs and with her husband we try to do a monthly double date night together. Angie asked what were some of the things on my bucket list because she wanted to be a part of at least one. Let's just say the walk through a Halloween maze didn't quite go well. Angie's not a horror fan like the rest of us. 😂😂 😂😂"Dressing in a gown and going to an elegant event or ball peaked her interest." I didn't go to neither of my proms. I guess I could have gone if 1) I wore one of my sister's prom dresses. Those 3 custom suits and shoes my dad had bought did not allow for me a new dress. 2) My dad would have to comb my hair because I didn't know what I was doing. He said my forehead was too big and needed to be hidden by my hair. {SIGH} Looking back at my school pics of which he was my hair stylist didn't convince me he was the man for the job. 😂😂😂 3) I would have to be home by 11 pm. This was most likely so that my dad could make sure I made it in before he went clubbing until the next day. 4) it's still too embarrassing to repeat. So, with those demands I never wore a gown and felt special for my prom or an evening event. So John and Angie hooked me up with the Governor's Reception at his mansion. I had a good time rubbing elbows with politicians, meeting the Governor, chatting with his wife (I didn't know it was her, I was just running my mouth as always 😂), and eating, as Big Daddy says, fo-fo food.

Camille pampered me. Resulting from the brain tumors I had/have brain tumor darkness under my eyes, an eye that still doesn't close, and crooked lips. I can't wear eyeliner and lashes because of my eye issues. That girl worked magic on my face. I felt so beautiful. I'm crying again. At that time, and still at times today, it can be difficult for me to take care of personal needs. Camille is my nurse. She said whatever I need done, she'll do it. I'm so blessed. In Cinderella style I went to the ball and had a ball!😂😂 John and Angie, thank you to infinity and beyond.

The ending of last year I decided to pursue my Bucket List more aggressively. Being the huge Prince fan that I am, I declared the year 2017 as "The 1999 Tour." Stay tuned.

What? Another procedure???!!!

Emotionally, things has been “horrible” for me since returning home. I am finally at peace with the decision made upon my return from my 1999 Tour. I am having a "minor" procedure on my upper spine this Thursday, Sept. 7th. Initially my surgeon who also is by brain surgeon, wanted to do major surgery. My spine is losing its curvature, some disc in the upper spine are bulging, and bone spurs are pushing into my spine. The pain is intense. I can’t wear tight tops or even a bra. They make the pain even more intense. Although, we are delaying the inevitable, my surgeon is in agreement with not doing the major procedure just yet. If I do get relief after the procedure, then I will have the major procedure. I know it sounds silly but, I am having minor surgery on a major problem.

Not only do I have severe back pains, the spine injury is causing severe headaches. I do a good job of hiding what’s really going on. Those who know me know I don’t like pity.  Two of my girls came home for the weekend. For a minute, it was feeling like a "Farewell Tour." LOL! They wanted Taco Bowl Salads. I went to the store and purchased what was needed for a Tex-Mex Feast. That’s as far as it got. Catherine had to cook. It is difficult for me to do even light weight cleaning or cooking. I have to lay down for several hours after doing something light.

I’ve been acting like a whimp. I have been back and forth with this decision and have lost count on how many times I've changed my mind.  I’ve had over 20 surgeries in my lifetime. Pain did not start with the tumors. I’ve been in pain since 2000 after a foot and ankle issue. That pain from the past is no match to what I am going through. Through it all God has shown me his power. Whenever I have a ministry assignment (teaching, preaching, serving others) the pain has been minimum or non-existence. God never ceases to amazing.

This is for God’s glory. Just finished up hosting an event for planners.  Time to sleep it off. Got to keep moving tomorrow.

Your prayers are appreciated.

The Return of Roline’s Chronicles Part 1

Hello there. I’m back to actually placing info on my blog. How have I been? That’s a loaded question. Spiritually – God is still good and trustworthy. Physically – It will be easier for me to type what I DON’T have. Emotionally – You know when your momma took off her shoe to whip you, and the beat down would last as long as she talked, and the blows took on the force of each syllable from the words she slowly annunciated and with emphasis pronounced? That’s how I feel. Like I’m getting a never-ending syllable whooping where the vocabulary consists of a minimum 4 syllable words. Friends, your prayers, hugs, and warm words softens the blows. I was thinking about that yesterday. I ask people not to forward me those chain letters that I call wolves dressed in sheep clothes because it clutters my box making it difficult to get to the ones that bless me.

August 8^th, 2017 Big Daddy and I will celebrate 25 years of HOLY MATRIMONY. I emphasis holy. To commemorate this milestone we booked our first ever cruise heading to Mexico. You do know this story is about to take a turn………….

My health/disease is doing by definition what its suppose to do--- getting progressively worse. A month ago I had xrays done on my upper and lower back. The xrays showed what we already knew was there has advanced to being a severe problem. It is decision time. The insurance denied payment of a MRI needed to make a decision, even after 2 appeals. I decided not to stress out over the decision and deal with it after the cruise.

After seeing a different doctor from my team, the insurance company finally okayed the procedure. Thank you Lord. I’ve lost 35 pounds in 2 months. So Tuesday, the doc said “You need to lose weight.”

Me: “Excuse me Dr. Stevie Wonder, obviously you can’t see that I am over 30 pounds lighter.”

Doc: “You need to lose more weight.”

Me: “And how am I suppose to do that with the issue?”

Doc: “Water Aerobics.”

Me: “Come through doc.”

Doc: “and lose the Cokes.”

Me: “What the ham sammich!”

Right here is where I heard the studio audience gasp for air.

Me, {{Blank stare followed by a Florida Evans moment}}, “Dang, Dang, Dang!”

Right here is where the Doc packed up his things and left like when Squeaky called Ms. Sophia a hefer in The Color Purple. Then from out of my belly, I started singing, “speak Lord, speak to me…… (could have been gas)

It’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I thought some of the procedures/testing could wait until after my cruise and anniversary, but noooooo, the xrays showed a ship load (pun intended :-) ) of severe problems, the doctor’s office called yesterday to inform me that the 1st test is next week on my 25th marriage covenant anniversary, Tuesday, Aug. 8th, 6 days before ship the sails. UUUGGHH! I WILL BE ON THAT SHIP even if they have to bring me by ambulance, and put me on a stretcher to get to my room. Smile.

My husband and I may have to face what we didn’t want to face ----- getting the results before our cruise. We know God is bigger than what’s going on with me.  We are not stressing nor thinking the worse. We know God will heal however He chooses which includes through 1) a miracle 2) medical teams 3) death. I need a miracle from the Miracle Maker.

Sorry the delay in writing. God never calls you to something that you can’t do. I’m still praying, preaching/teaching, leading, and giving. God told me to write, but I stopped without an excuse or no one to blame. Hmmmm…..

Don't blame it on the sunshine,

don't blame it on the moonlight,

don't blame it on the good times,

blame it on the tumor!.................

Drops mic, exit right while moonwalking………She’s back!

Laughter does the soul good. Pat yourself on the back. You made it to--- The End

Say it aint so!

Once again, I’ve been experiencing severe headaches. Other symptoms caused my doctor to suspect

there might be a problem. Following a MRI on Friday, March 4^th I received the news. Another brain tumor has been found. It’s 6mm in size, which is not good. I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t want it to be a tumor. I haven’t had a chance to blog about it because I have been busy with weekly speaking and teaching engagements. I also don’t think I have processed the idea of another tumor because my mom has been very sick. She has been on a hunger strike and is extremely depressed. Depression comes with dementia, however, this bout was caused by a family member giving her the false hope of a lie. She believed it, and now me, my husband and kids has to suffer through with her. UUgggghhhh!  

Today I received a call from the neurosurgeon’s office. I was in the office working on a project. After taking the call, I was immobilized. The idea of needing to see my brain surgeon is unsettling. I lost all concentration, so I packed up and went home-----that is, not before stopping at Micheal’s to get some scrapbooking materials. LOL!

I have another tumor. The tumor does not have me! Tomorrow I have the first of a series of upcoming multiple appointments. In other words, here we go again! SIGH! There is a bright side. I get to drive myself to the appointment, and God is still good!

It is well with my soul!

A Year in Review – Part 1

 So, last year on this date I had a 7 hour brain surgery. My family (Big Daddy Earnest, Catherine, and

Camille) and a few friends {Allison and Annette) were there with me prior to being rolled into the operating room. Including the doctors, we all were clueless about what the outcome would be. We didn’t know 1) if I would survive, 2) if the tumor was cancer, 3) if the entire tumor would be removed, 4) what else would be discovered.

Over the year I discovered that I am loved by so many people across this country and abroad. THANK YOU ALL for your support, encouragement, gifts, visits, and prayers. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. I didn’t realize that “God was going to make an example out of me.” I trust Him. I really do. So much so that I have accepted what He has allowed.

The tumor was caused by sarcoidosis. Bernie Mac died of this illness. Close to home, our church’s outreach pastor’s wife died from the same illness during the same time I first fell ill! She was hospitalized on the second day of my hospital stay back in December. I attended her funeral. Oh, dear! The thoughts that were running through my mind while at her funeral--- oh, boy!

The doctor told us that after surgery, I would be moved to the Neuro-Intensive Care Unit. I would be in a comatose state with a breathing tube in my mouth for 3 – 4 days. I went into surgery at 7:00 a.m. I was brought to ICU around 8:00 p.m. The tube was removed and oxygen was given through my nose. About an hour later I was talking to my family and friends, telling them to go home and get rest. The next day, my Pastor and Chief Elder visited, and to their surprise I was sitting in a chair aside my bed in ICU. I still had the oxygen going through my nose but I was about to eat my first meal. LOOK AT GOD!

January 15, 2015, I was put to sleep so that what was threatening my life could be removed. 8 hours later I woke up to, what I didn’t know at the time, a new way of living. That new way will be posted tomorrow.

Last evening, I was driving to a church where I was scheduled to minister. I began to think about this time last year-I couldn’t drive and was home making preparations to enter the hospital in the morning. I was crying so many tears of joy because I had looked back and saw where the Lord had brought me from.  I had to pull on side of the road for a praise break!

I trust God and know He is working this out for my good. He is my Healer. I have submitted to His plan for my life. One day, I will live pain-free. One day I will no longer take medication. To get to that day, I am obeying God and submitting to the process of treatment that He has prescribed. It is The Great Physician that is working through my doctors. Surely goodness and mercy is following me!  As I have said all year, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL! I’m going THROUGH to get TO my due season! God IS getting glory out of my life!

Oh, Brother! The Secret is Out!

I have to applaud my mom’s dementia for giving her the inability to keep things she remembers

The Acox siblings; Roline, Ryan, & Rhonda
Nephew Thai

from the past to herself. The fact that my dad has a son who had been kept secret for 37 years was told to me during a visit with mom. I remember laughing and telling mom, "so you wait until I'm 50 something to scar me!" LOL! Actually, I wasn't surprised.

My dad was uncooperative and refused to give information regarding his son, BUT, God has a way of bringing things to the light.  Last June, through a series of divinely orchestrated events comparable to a Tyler Perry Madea play, I was given the name and cell phone number of my brother. I did not look for my brother. His information found me. Just when a date was set for us to meet, I ended up in the hospital with a brain tumor needing immediate attention. For real God! Now? I asked my doctor if the surgery could be put off until after Christmas. I wanted to meet my brother before I went under the knife.

It’s been a year of learning about this blood relative, my brother, my children’s uncle, my husband’s brother-in-law, who also has a son, Thai, who too wanted to know more about us. A year ago during the Christmas holidays I thanked God for allowing me to see my brother and nephew face to face. It was an instant bond. We don’t need Maury Povich. My dad’s DNA is all over Ryan’s face. When it comes to 37 year old Ryan Rose, Roland Acox, YOU ARE the father! (This is the part where Roland runs back stage not wanting to confront what he has done). To add, Ryan has what we call “The Acox lip!” We've been blessed with big lips and the lower one likes to "hang out." LOL! Acox men are tall. Ryan is 6’ 5”! There’s no denying Ryan---he’s an Acox! Look at the picture below. What do you think?

  Over the year, we have talked several times, and text much. His name was on the list of immediate family members that I would receive calls from after my surgery. He has spent time with Catherine in March, and spent Thanksgiving with us at my niece’s home. 

It has been hinted to me by Christians that I should keep silent about Ryan nor should I post pictures of him on social media. I am not ashamed of my brother and I refuse to keep him a secret.  To do this would be to deny my brother. I am in no way perfect. However, I don’t apologize for loving the Lord, my brother, and myself way too much to willingly be ungodly. Now, run and tell that! LOL!

Once again, I almost let go....and then I came to myself!

Dec. 23rd I began having excruciating pain on the entire right side of my body. Most of the pain was in my hip and joints. The left leg and foot was hurting as well. Walking was almost impossible. The next day, Christmas Eve, I was running on adrenaline. I was excited about my mom coming to my home for her birthday which is Christmas. While cooking the gumbo the pain got worse. I could not complete the meal I had planned. Thank you Lord for sending an angel who provided my family with an entire Christmas meal.

Christmas day through Sunday, things got worse, so much so that I was contemplating going to the emergency room. I was in so much pain that I told my husband I was ready to leave this earth. Umm, no, I was not suicidal nor was I giving up. It’s hard to explain, but I was tired and hurting-physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Sarcoidosis is just that---- really bad, unimaginable daily pain. Most days I can handle the pain. Sunday evening I thought about what may be causing this episode because it was really different. I had an AHA moment....I came to myself.

A few months ago, my doctor began the process of tapering me off my steroids. This would determine if the sarcoidosis was in remission. Staying positive, I made up my mind that everything was going to be okay that I NEVER considered I would need the steroids again. A week and a half ago, I was completely off the steroids. Long story short, I’m back on the steroids. During this time my short term memory got really bad.  It’s going to take a few days for my body to readjust to the meds, however, I am feeling some relief. 

The sad conclusion for me is the fact that I am not in remission. And so the saga continues……however, It is well with my soul.

 

I year Anniversay of Seizure

As I reflect over the last 365, I can’t help but say thank you Lord. I had been having severe

Last pic of me before onset of illness, 12/7/2014

headaches and severe pain in my hip for over a year. Only my household was aware of this. Doctors found nothing but “minor” issues. I KNEW SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT.

My left leg started twitching last Thanksgiving. The earliest a neurologist could see me was February. A good friend, who is a doctor, made unsuccessful attempts to find a neurologist that could help me. Her words to me were—“If the twitching get worse you’ll have to go to the emergency room. This will force a doctor to see you.” That’s exactly what happened. It got worse, resulting in a Grand Mal seizure which landed me in the ER, followed by a hospital stay and diagnosis of a brain tumor on the right and left frontal lobe. Left side facial paralysis set in while I was in the hospital. Surgery to remove the tumor was projected. I believed everything would be okay.

I really must have looked horrible back then, because I get tickled when folks say to me, “You look better.” Unfortunately as of today, so many people assume because I look better, I am feeling better. The real truth of the matter is, I am feeling worse than I did before having the surgery. The tumor was the catalyst for the manifestation of other things happening in my body. I trust God for my healing because He is bigger than:

·         The daily headaches.

·         The excruciating pain of the incision site. I literally have a hole in my head. (My skull is still healing. It hurts to wash my hair.)

·         The painful disease Sarcoidosis – my brain, joints, hip, and spine has been affected.

·         Chemo Pills – I dread taking them.

·         Back pain – Surgery on my spine has been suggested.

·         The right side of my body (hand, legs, arms) – It’s still weak, making it difficult to do daily household chores. I still can’t cook often.

·         Steroids – what’s necessary to treat the disease causes side affects. I’m dealing with those affects.

·         Eye pain – the paralysis in my face is taking a toll on my left eye.

·         Short Term Memory loss

The biggest challenge for my family is getting me from place to place. By law in Arkansas, a person who has had a seizure can’t drive for a year. Even my surgeon said that is too long and would impose a hardship on me. Even though I am blessed with so many that assisted me and offered help to me in this area, it is still a hardship. My family, friends, and church family are the best and have done a great job caring for me, but always having someone with me at times feels suffocating.

 

My weight has been a challenge too. I have a high dose of steroids to thank. This extra 50 lbs I’m carrying is horrible. It’s very uncomfortable, and I don’t like how it looks on me.

 

In spite of it all, God’s grace is sufficient for me. His grace empowers me to continue serving in ministry. I have returned to preaching, teaching, and traveling across the USA for ministry purpose. I am also back to counseling---I can’t believe I took the whole year off.

 

I stopped blogging because I went through a period season of discouragement and depression.  Family drama, caring for mom, significant emotional hurt, unrealistic expectation, and so much more had me feeling overwhelmed. I had to remind myself that God called me to this assignment.

 

Also, I ONCE AGAIN CAN DRIVE!!!! Too bad I no longer own a vehicle.

 

Thank you for praying for me, encouraging me, and laughing with me. You have blessed me greatly and played an intricate role in my healing process. I love you all!

But wait, there's more!

Skin Sarcoidodis

It’s been over a month since my last blog. During that time, my world has been busy. I thought I would be back at 100% by now. It’s been one diagnosis after another. I let Jesus take the wheel a long time ago. I know the destination, but getting there on these bumpy roads is really making the ride rough. If it ain’t one thing it’s another!

My back continues to pain me. New meds have given me some relief, however, because my prescription was not in stock, it took a while for me to physically get the meds. But wait, there’s more! About a week ago, I noticed what looked like a rash on my knee. The rash is isolated in that one area, however, it continued to get worse. The area felt warm and continuously itched. Yesterday, I went to the doctor.  It appears that the disease has spread to my skin. He can’t officially diagnosis me with skin sarcoidosis until I have a biopsy done. In the mean time he is treating the “rash” as skin sarcoidosis and prescribed a topical steroid to put on it.

But wait, there’s more! The doctor and I began to address the issue with my eye that doesn’t completely close. I’m starting to feel painful pressure on it and my eyelid swells up often. I’ve been officially diagnosed with Ocular Sarcoidosis.  

But wait, there’s more! I’ve been having issues with coughing. Pulmonary Sarcoidosis was suspected. I had X-rays of my lungs yesterday. All is clear! YAY!

Recapping, the sarcoidosis is now on my brain, spine, skin, and eye. Can I have an uncensored Florida Evans moment? No, I rather keep it clean, “DANG, DANG, DANG!”  Instead of a punch bowl, Roline drops her goblet. She has dropped enough bowls on this journey. LOL!

I gave the news to Cat & Camille last night, and the conversation goes like this:

Me: Girls, the doctor said the sarcoidosis is now on my skin and in my eye.

Girls: How are you feeling about this news?

Me: I’m going to be a little depressed for the rest of the night until in the morning. Tomorrow, I must study to teach the Sex Abuse group session. I don’t have time to be depressed too long. I have to serve.

Suddenly, we all laughed. After the laugh the girls talked about how we don’t have the time to waste by being depressed. There’s too much work to be done. (There is a sermon in that)

 I’m not down or depressed. I am however feeling extremely overwhelmed.

Be blessed,
Roline

Ummmmm Doc, them fighten’ words!

I had a MRI of my brain today and then a visit with my neurosurgeon. I appreciate this particular

doctor because he doesn't sugar coat your diagnosis and yet he really cares for his patients. I was so hoping today would be my last visit with the surgeon. Not so.

After looking at my Brain MRI and a previous Spinal MRI, the doctor said my brain looks good. However, I still have quite a way to go ---- dang on neurosarcoidosis is not taking its eviction notice. He then gave me the not so good news. In his words, he told me. “Your spine is losing its curve and cannot handle the weight of your head.”  At that moment I thought to myself, “What the what? Did this man just call me big head in a nice way? And why isn’t my husband fighting for my honor? Them fightin’ words. I guess I’m going to have to beat Doc down myself.”  LOL!  Then reality hit me (POW) after the doctor gave me several non-surgical options ending with, “I’m just trying to buy to you time. We are going to have to fix your spine.”  He was talking about surgery.

 

Today, I had on my big girl panties. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I wanted to be afraid, but I laughed.  I wanted to ask God why, but I thought about His faithfulness. I wanted to tell Doc, don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge, but I forget the rest of the song. I did tell my neurosurgeon that I don’t want to have another surgery, so let’s do whatever  the insurance pays for-----I haven’t loss my senses, I know all of the options will cost money that I don’t have so don’t hate on me for counting the cost. LOL!

 

Guess what I did after getting that news. I came home, ate, rested for a few hours and went to the church and conducted a 2-hour counselors training for my church’s upcoming Sex Abuse Support Group. And the devil thought the news concerning my health would distract me. HA!

This is for God’s glory, therefore it is well with my soul. HA!

 

Be A Blessing,

Roline

 

I an not interested!

Today, was the day that after receiving several solicitations from people, I had had enough! I know people have to make money to live. The strategy used is somewhat offensive. Each person that has tried to sell me a "miracle product" starts out by sending a vague private message saying, "I may have something that can help you." It takes a few private messages and/or texts before the "it's going to cost you money" is admitted. I loathed this tactic. It comes across that the person who is trying to help me is really looking to help themselves at my expense. Unlike the woman with the issue of blood, I don't plan on wasting my money. I've already gone directly to the God, my healer.

This is a message from me posed on Facebook to anyone who think they have a "miracle product":

Please be in prayer for me. Tomorrow (Tuesday) is a big day for me. I have "THE" appointment; one at the hospital for tests, followed by one with my neurosurgeon.

In spite of the craziness, today was a good day

Ut-Oh! I'm in trouble

I went to the church with my husband so that he could later take me to have blood work done at my rheumatologist’s office.. I figured I could get some work done while I waited for my husband to complete a few tasks. The blood work up should have been done by the second week of July. I had forgotten about it. Blame it on the tumor! LOL!

I was in my office working when my pain management doctor’s office called to see if I was okay. Why? I missed my appointment. Thankfully I was only a few blocks away. The catch: I had to drive myself because my husband was teaching the morning 9 am Bible Study. He was not happy because I will not be cleared to drive until January 2016. I usually do a good job writing down my appointments. This shows I see way too many doctors. I was in trouble.

When I made it back to the office, the thought of facing Earnest forced me to cope with my drug of choice. I needed a drink. A CokeHead under pressure is not a good combination, therefore I hit the can. LOL!

I felt good driving. The joy ride was therapeutic, lol! I almost stopped at a few stores until my pain reminded me that wasn't doable. Oh well!

After Earnest preached at our noonday service, he  brought me to have my blood work done. I'm was whipped! After singing "nobody knows the trouble I feel," He gave me a get out of jail free card for driving. I was going to blame it on the tumor anyway. Lol!

Thankfully Camille helped out today by picking up my meds from Wal-Mart. After driving a car today, I don't want to go back to my 5 mph Wal-Mart scooter-hog.  I now have a need for speed!

By 2 p.m. all of my energy was depleted. I did a bit much today. Since I was exhausted and in bed, took my chemo pills. They make me sick, but I got to do what I got to do.

With all of the craziness, I must admit, TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY. I had a good laugh at myself.

Marriage Retreat

As Covenant partners, God has called my husband and I to serve, mentor, and empower other marriages. Satan thought illness would distract us----not so! It is easy to use sickness as an excuse to not serve. My assignment and calling has not been nullified by God, He gives me the grace to do what He has called me to do. Please pray for a transforming experience and for traveling grace.

Another procedure.......

3 out of 8 injection sites from today.

Today I had a second procedure in relation to my spine problems and back spasms. I’ve had great back pain for several months. Months ago it was discovered I have 2 bulging disc in my spine. Also, the neurosarcoidosis may be the culprit affecting my spine. The first series of injections, totaling 6, were done June 8^th. The earlier injections failed to give me relief. I had another series done today—6 injections into my upper back and 2 into my lower back. I didn't take pictures of the injections on my lower back because this lady is too classy for booty shots! 

 

The lower spine is not paining me, however my upper spine is very sore. By tomorrow I should feel relief. I pray this works, because I am hoping to avoid surgery.  Today, I’m taking it easy. Catherine cooked rice to go with gumbo from the freezer that Camille cooked last month.

Surprisingly my dad called today. He said he was calling just to see how I was doing. I must admit, I believe someone told him about my last blog. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and just receive the call for the intent he claims. I was very groggy from the meds, so I could not speak with him very long.

 

Headache, drama, and the world continues to turn

I am experiencing a major headache today. It is one of the side effects of the chemo pills I take on Wednesdays. I’m doing my best not to complain, however, you’d think these headaches would be gone by now. At least I have experienced a day headache free. That gives me hope.

Yesterday, Aug. 12th was my sister’s birthday. Yesterday also was National Middle Child Day. There’s a “national day” for just about everything. SMH. For the first 50 years of my life, although I

had my suspicions, I thought I was the youngest child. Last year it was confirmed that I am the “middle child.”  I guess I should have been celebrating with my sister. LOL!

 

I am trying my best to not stress out over this situation, however, it’s very difficult. Stress is not a good thing for me and my recovery. My new found brother is not the issue. We have bonded and are cultivating our relationship. I hear from him frequently. I’ve forgiven my dad for cheating on my mom for 40 plus years. It was no surprise considering my upbringing. I have difficulty resolving the idea that my father continues to be a dead beat dad. I am so very disappointed in my dad’s actions, particularly since he has spoken harshly against other deadbeat fathers. Although I can do nothing to change what has happened in the past, I presently must honor my dad who still refuses to be a father to his son and who shows my sister and I no love or concern. My mother, his wife who I am caregiver of, he never calls or ask about. My mom has built a wall to try to protect the pain of feeling abandoned by him. Dementia has left her with no filter; she says what’s on her mind. It hurts my heart to see and hear her pain.

 

During this course of illness a lot of lies and secrets has been exposed. Drama has no respect of illness. I’m at the place where I pray there isn’t additional drama because I don’t know how much more I can take emotionally and physically. I have said many times, “who counsels the counselor?”  In spite of it all, I still love the Lord, and I know He is the one that keeps me sane. He is my Counselor! I don’t know what I would do without Him. It is important for me to serve others in spite of my personal drama.  I can only imagine the headaches being worse if I would sit down and mull over my problems.

 

So it’s worship and serving as usual. I’m still teaching and preaching the Word of God. I’m currently preparing for several engagements, one out of state, between now and the end of the month.  I speak to God and He speaks to me.  I can do all things through Christ……..including celebrating Middle Child Day!  I just encouraged myself…..With Christ, I can handle this! I need Thee because the world continues to turn.

Transformation Tuesday!

Here is my truth-The pictures were taken 1) Dec. 26,  2014 2) July 17, 2015. Yep, that’s just 7 months. Thanks to a high dosage of daily steroids my face is swollen, I'm retaining water, and gained a whopping 40lbs. I'm ready to evict the fat chick! Neurosarcoidosis and brain tumors suck! My daughter said my picture looks like it has been altered and widened! That was a nice way of saying "Dang momma, you are big!" LOL! I'm just THICKALICIOUS!

 

Why am I smiling in the most recent picture? Although the weight gain is upsetting and unsettling, it could be worse. I still trust God. This is for His glory, therefore it is well with my soul.

I am grateful to know that I’m happy in the skin I am in. The fat girl has emerged and I still love me!

Newsflash!

I may have aches and pains in my body, but TODAY is the first day I've gone the entire day without a headache in almost TWO YEARS!!! ‪#‎GRATEFUL‬ Even the "little things" are great!

So You Want To Shoot Me in My Pinky Toe?

I love the scene in the movie “Harlem Nights” when the characters of Eddie Murphy and Della Reese fight.  In desperation and because he was getting whipped harder than a runaway slave, with his gun Eddie shoots Della in the pinky toe. I also love the scene in the sitcom “Good Times” after Florida Evans husband’s funeral where she drops the punch bowl and screamed out in grief.

What do these scenes have to do with my life? Well, either I broke my pinky toe or I have a really

bad sprain! When it happened, I screamed in my Florida Evans Voice, “DANG, DANG, DANG.” I’m walking with a cane, my foot is in a boot, my toes splinted and my daughter Catherine says, “I don’t mean to laugh at you but you look like that lady who got her toe shot off in Harlem Knights.”  She was right! We both had a good laugh.

After all I’ve been through over the past 6 months, I had to ask God what’s up? Who do I need to rid from my life? Who is it that I haven’t forgiven? What changes must I make in my life? Guess what God said to me-----not a mumbling word! I have a hard time dealing with his silence. However, during the silence I managed to encourage myself and tell myself to STAY FOCUSED! Okay, now I see what God was doing.

How did I manage to injure myself? What had happened was------ I’m going to my grave with that information. When I hurt myself, I do it big and in an unusual manner. LOL!  Earnest said I just want every part of my body injured. LOL!

I was determined come hell or high water, I was going to visit my mom today. I managed to make it to the nursing home, but I was a little nervous. As slow as I am moving with the cane, I didn’t want them to mistaken me for one of the residents and lock me in. LOL! I cut out the other optional activities that I was going to participate in on this day. I’m icing my toe, keeping it elevated, and laughing at myself.

What’s next? ............. What else is going on?

The shots I had 3 weeks ago has not improved the pain or muscle spasms in my upper back. 2 weeks ago, I began having additional pain in my lower back. I had thoracic and lumbar x-rays done this week. They turned out okay. With all of the X-rays, MRIs, and Cat Scans I have had, I should be glowing in the dark real soon. I’m not jumping up and down cheering about the x-ray results because I’m still in a lot of pain and x-rays doesn’t always show a problem. Sometimes it takes a MRI. What’s next? Additional shots in my back!

My weekly dosage of methotrexate (MTX) pills has been increased. MTX is used to treat various illnesses including cancer. The pill is one bad boy.  MTX has me feeling nauseated with stomach pains since taking them on Wednesday evening. Funny, the medicine I need to make me better makes me sick! The Grill Master, Big Daddy grilled his award winning (he won the Thomas Grillology Award) chicken wings, Earl Campbell sausages, and spare ribs. Uuuggggghhhh!! I can’t partake the feast! Hmmmphf!

Ahoy Mate!

What else is going on? Yep, I have another issue. Nothing that will slow me down, however, it is serious enough to be addressed very soon. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m not quite ready to share with the world yet.

My left eye still does not close, so to prevent dryness and eye damage I must tape it shut at night. I look like a knock-off pirate! LOL! The tape aggravates me, but I do what I have to do.

Several people have asked about my parents. There’s not much talking going on between my dad and I. He is who he is. He doesn’t call to check on me or my mom and I don’t call to give him a report of her condition. I’m pretty ill yet I take care of mom’s needs, visit her as much as possible, buy her clothing, attend her care plan meetings, etc. To add the responsibility of calling family with a report of her status is unreasonable when the only thing her loved ones have to do is call me or the facility.

My mom is the same-----a feisty elderly lady who has dementia. She has recovered since her recent hospital stay. She looks so much better.

My 38 year old brother, who I met for the first time in December, is doing well. We talk regularly and we are not as guarded as we were originally. In May, Catherine spent time with her new uncle when she was in New Orleans.

 

Have a Happy Fourth of July!

Roline