Today I cried....but still I rise

Mood swing

Today I cried. It started out being a cry of joy and thanksgiving. Today, my husband brought home a few cards and a gift from people at my church. I started thinking about all of the cards, gifts, and flowers I have received. You my family and friends have been very generous. I have read every card, message on FB and my blog and I am so grateful. Some I have said thank you to and some I have not. And that’s when my reason for crying began to shift.

As transparent as I have tried to be, I can’t write everything. It’s just impossible. One of the reasons is due to my short-term memory issues. So, I cried because I have received much, but I can’t remember who everything has come from. I knew at the time of receiving it, but because me and the family didn’t write everything down, my memory has failed me. I am grateful for everyone and wish I could express my thanksgiving in a more personal way. This made me cry tears of frustration because of what has been taken away.

And then I started crying because of why I received so many gifts. I am sick. No, I am very sick (gotta call it what it is) and I need help daily.  So I’m having a moment….just reflecting over the way things are now

• I can’t drive for a year. I’m dependent on others.
• I must walk with a walker.
• I can’t clean my own house regularly.
• My head has a second incision and an additional 30 plus staples in my head.
• There is a chance of my non-working eye to be permanently damaged.
• My family has got to be exhausted from the additional duties of caring from me.
• I can’t visit my mom as I would like to. Today I realized since I am her care giver, she had not been getting her snacks and soda. This really saddened me.
• I can’t bathe or shower without one of my family member’s nearby to monitor my safety and/or help.
• We are not going to talk about getting up and down from the toilet.
• Cooking, my passion, is out of the question for now.
• The numerous medications I take is scary.
• The uncertainty is still there.

Even though I have made great progress. I’m having a moment. Guess I never stopped to think about it.  Even though I’m having this moment, I haven’t forgotten that the God I serve is greater than my problems……I’m just having a moment. Why am I having this moment, today, now....blame it on the rain (and you thought I was going to blame it on the tumor). 

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes on the morning. Come on morning! Today I cried....but still I rise. God is still good and his mercy endures forever!