STRESS Rears Its Ugly Head!

Now I’m STRESSED!!! Don't you all go hard on me with that "You are too blessed to be stressed" saying, cause I'm blessed and yet stressed! God can handle my truth!  Why did I wait until the final hour to get stressed!!!! UUUGGGGHHHH! The

Todays hospital visit

doctor’s office called at the last minute and changed my test to 2 hours earlier for additional test.  That poor girl on the line was probably not happy to have made the last minute call to me. I was not a happy camper.  I lost 3 additional hours of my day! I WAS NOT HAPPY! I felt like I was bombarded with more test! And now I have to be at the hospital in the morning for 5:30 am. Goodness! I am not an early bird! Surgery scheduled for 7:30 a.m.

Later in the day, I really started thinking about the people who have not called me that should have. I don’t believe in setting unrealistic expectations on people. I do know that everyone cannot handle what I am going through, therefore, I am not expecting everyone to call, visit, etc. HOWEVER, I got a little, well extremely, upset with my dad. Seriously dude, you have not called me during this entire ordeal! Brain surgery in the morning and no call from my dad. Yep, I got family dysfunction too! Maybe I should not have called him this evening, but I had to get it off my chest. It bothers me greatly that my father has not only abandoned me, but hasn’t asked, “Have you made arrangements for my wife who you are taking care of?” No one has asked, “What’s going to happen to Henrietta?” WOW! Face it Roline, you are alone as a caregiver! Thankfully, there is a wonderful lady at my church who has taken on the role of visiting my mom regularly. GOD PROVIDES! By the way, please don’t leave negative comments about my dad. I’m venting and giving you insight to my life. I’m not looking for a pity party. It is what it is.

I had planned to go out on a date with my husband tonight. Copeland's was going to be the “last supper” until after recovery. I didn’t know Frankenstein patches were going to be stuck on my face. LOL! I can eat in public with the crooked face, but the diva in me wasn’t going in public with this new look! LOL!

I’m sooooooo ready for this process to begin. Yes I’m concerned greatly, but I am ready for surgery. My testimony is not “It’s going to be alright”, but rather, my testimony is “It is alright, right now.” From the day of my diagnosis, I have been singing “It is well with my soul.” Whatever my lot, whatever happens, whatever God decides, He has taught me to say, because of my relationship with him, and my meditation day and night on his Word, that IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL! To live is Christ, and to die is gain! I have a PEACE that passes all understanding…..even my own understanding! And I would not have known this, if I had not come face to face with uncertainty. So even though it is not well with my circumstances, it is well with my soul!

I have learned so much on this journey about God, myself, relationships, and others. And I am so grateful for the outpouring of love from people not only across the USA, but also abroad in Kenya, Haiti, and other countries. I am overwhelmed by your support. See you when I see you! Be blessed and be a blessing.

WHEW! God just turned that thing around! I started out writing about stress, but now, I’m GRATEFUL! Here’s my 5 for today:

1.      My husband – Being married to me has made me a better person. He got it like that!

2.      Insurance – My December hospital bill was paid in full! Hallelujah!

3.      My children – They are my everything and have sacrificed to helped me every step of this season.

4.      The kindness of people. We have been abundantly blessed in unexpected ways. This illness is COSTLY! People have ministered to our needs.

5.      My Parents. Yes I said it, although very dysfunctional and abusive, God chose their DNA to bring me here. And I turned out okay. I have had an incredible life, and I’m not done living either!

Brain Surgery Tomorrow. Schedule changes

Last week. I thought I was looking cute.
 Divalicious!

Well, time is winding down, but not without some scheduling changes. I will be having my pre-op test around 4-ish this afternoon. This gives me time to tie up some loose ends. LOL! A girl’s got business to complete! I will then be admitted to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. Wow, that is super early! I’m am so ready to began the process to healing.

 

I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe the thought of what’s about to happen is starting to hit me. A medical team will be cutting my head open. OMG! This is really happening! I’m not afraid. I just got that “please take this bitter cup from me, nevertheless, not my will by thine will be done” thing going on.

The left side of my face is still, as my doctor stated, paralyzed. When he said that, it hit me in the gut, However, there is a ray of light----it’s moving very slightly. Thank you Lord for progress. I have to keep the eye lubricated with gel drops because it doesn't produce tears. It's doesn't hurt, just some discomfort.

 

I have been overwhelmed by your love, support, prayers, cards, calls, and gifts. I really appreciate each of you and I am unable to articulate just how much you have encouraged, inspired, and blessed me during this season. The kindness my family has received has been tremendous! I love you!

 

Finally, I pray you have seen the power of God’s peace in my life. I encourage you to KNOW God in a real and personal way. If this illness had not happened to me, I would not have discovered just how much I truly trust Him and sincerely serve Him---that’s the beauty that has come out of the ashes!

 

I shall make another post today. Until then, I walk away singing “I Will Trust in the Lord” and close with “It is Well With My Soul.”

Change of Attitude

In October, the Sunday School Class which I teach, begin studying the book “Lord, Change My Attitude” by James MacDonald. It’s amazing how God gives you exactly what you need. This book has helped me tremendously through the season of illness I am in. Thus far, we have covered the first attitude change, from complaining to thanksgiving.

Numbers 11:1 says, “And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp.” God was angry when he heard the people complained about carrying their cross of adversity. This scripture has kept me from complaining about my own situation. Instead of complaining about what I am going through, why not celebrate where God has brought me from and where he is bringing me to. While in the land of in between, out of Egypt, but not quite in the Promise Land, I am intentionally choosing to be grateful. It’s a struggle sometimes, therefore I must be intentional. Daily writing in my journal 5 things I am grateful for is teaching me to give thanks in everything. Today I am thankful for:

1.      Leftover food. It means yesterday, I had more than enough.

2.      Visiting mom. Even though she put me out, I hadn’t seen her in over a week.

3.      A check that came in the mail. I purchased my daughter grocery for college with money that I needed for something else. When I returned home, the check was in the mail. The check covered the purchase.

4.      What God is revealing to me through this illness. If it had not happened, I would not have known just how much I really trust God.

5.   My mom cave. I have a space to once again study and craft, at least until May when Camille returns home for the summer.

What Not to Say

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”  - Colossians 4:6

I was inspired to write the following after reading an article in “Psychology Today.” My illness has made me the recipient of potentially harmful advice from well intended people. I thank God that I love to read and mediated on the pages of God’s Word, therefore, I am at a place where I know what to receive and what to disregard.  Christians are called to serve others. We must be helpers and not hurters to those who seek our help. Consider the following:

What Not to Say to Someone Who is Suffering or Hurting

“I know how you feel.” – You may have been through a similar situation, but you cannot get into the mind of the person you are helping. We all process pain differently. You don’t know how another person feel emotional, physically, or spiritually.

“You are not going to die. You will be okay.” – Dying is not a bad thing. The Bible says to die is gain. Victory can come through death. Don’t offer false hope for the sake of encouragement. You don’t know how God will work in someone’s life. Don’t suggest you have fate all figured out.

“If you need anything give me a call.” Most of us have probably been guilty of saying this someone in need. The statement is vague and places the burden of effort on an already burdened person. Instead, be specific. Ask questions like 1) When can I bring over a meal? 2) When can I come over to clean the house? 3) What items do you need that I can purchase to help with your life?

 
“You Know Your (insert family member) Loves You.” – Don’t project your healthy family experience onto others. There are adults who are products of abusive and unloving parents. This statement could be enraging.

The Next Step - SURGERY!

Two days ago I met with my neurosurgeon to begin writing the next chapter of my life. What’s the chapter’s title? “ABOUT MY HEALING: I GOTTA TELL IT!”



Breast Cancer Center - So much paperwork!

Yes, we have finally decided upon a course of action.  Just keep reading. After the visit, I began post-operative testing. A mammogram was first to rule out breast cancer. “Hold your breath and don’t move!” No problem, I want this to be over! “The first reading is shows concerns. We have to take more pictures.” What???? (Wow, this is really happening.)
It was devastating when the first reading was questionable. But, I submitted and allowed my girls to once again be pulled and smashed. Because of the concerns with the first reading, I had to have a sonogram as well. ALL IS CLEAR, but I’m going to need counseling. I have been traumatized by a mammogram! LOL! Praying for a better way!!

Telephoning my family and closest friends with the game plan was the next step. It was difficult for all to digest, but they handled it well. I felt so much love and it was all good for me. It was weird having a brother on my list of people to contact. WOW, I have a brother. 

What’s the verdict you ask? I know I made you read way too long. LOL! Here it is: The tumor is one mass that is hanging out over both the right and left frontal lobe of my brain and has involved the big vein in the middle. Unfortunately, this is not a good place to be lodged. The greatest concern is not being able to get it all out. If that is to happen, I would need to begin radiation treatment.

I will be admitted into the hospital (St. Vincent’s) this coming Wednesday, Jan. 14^th for a few more pre-operative test. The next day, Jan.15^th, surgery is scheduled to remove the tumor. We won’t know for sure what we are facing, including whether or not it’s cancerous, until I am opened up. Therefore, the surgery can last anywhere from 3 to 10 hours. My doctor is hopeful that the tumor is Meningioma, which is usually benign.

So how do I feel about this? I am at peace! I trust the God who created the doctors. The Great Physician is the one who I am looking to for healing. IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL……but there is that part of me that keeps saying, “Wow, this is really happening.”

Today's thoughts.....

My friend, Dr. Marcus King, Senior Pastor of the Discipleship Central Community Church in Dallas, TX wrote this on his facebook page. I pray it blesses you as it blessed me.
 
There really aren't two most important days in your life. The quote is cute but inaccurate. The quote says "The day you were born and the day you find out why." There are actually 5 days that are most important.

1. The day you are born

2. The day you are born again
3. The day you find out why you were born.
4. The day you start doing what you were born to do.
5. The day you die with peace knowing you did what you were born to do!

As I face my own health challenges, I have found myself at peace. Death is not a loss of hope, but a passageway to eternity. I haven't given up but as a servant of God walking and serving in my God given purpose (#4. doing what I was born to do), I have peace knowing that the day I die,  I did what I was born to do.

I don’t know what’s ahead; therefore, I will continue living my life like it’s golden! To die is gain. I’m not afraid. As a matter of fact, when I do transition, I won’t be asking God to send me back to this earth because I got more work to do. Uh, why would anyone get that close to the presence of God and ask to return to this world? No, not this sister! Don’t get me wrong, I am not giving up on life…..but I certainly will not reject being with the Lord. Funny, how we Christians can boast on heaven being our goal, but when the prospect of dying comes, suddenly, “it’s not my time!” What’s up with that? IJS!

I went into the office today to do ministry work. I am transitioning leadership of the Lay Counseling Ministry while I am in recovery. The next few days will be all about tying up loose ends. It was difficult being there because I know I am a burden bearer. The thought of not serving saddens me. I made a video of that moment. Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3fvO8QHo_A

 

 I keep reminding myself that all will be well. Trust in the Lord with all your heart diva! He got it and he got you!



Today's photo shoot!



I’m discovering, when you choose to live life on purpose, you become better able to accept what God allows.

 

Camille was my driver for the day. She and I went to the office and did a little shopping. While at the office, a wonderful lady named Angie Reed and he husband John brought a gift to me. I was so touched by the thought that went into the gift. She ha observed the fact that I love paper crafting & Scrapbooking, therefore she filled a box with things I can use to continue my "life's work!" LOL!  Wow! What blessing! Angie has encouraged me in ways she doesn't even understand. I have grown to love her and value every word she says!

 

Earnest cooked breakfast for dinner, YUMMY! I love me some him. He's YUMMY too!

This is for God's glory!

 

 

A ROUGH NIGHT!

Last night’s slumber was nothing but pure hell! OMG! Let’s get these tumors out of my head! I WILL NOT PROLONG THIS PROCESS.  I am grateful however to have been “prepared for the additional pain that was to come.”

Yesterday I visited my pain management office for the usual monthly check-up. When you are taking prescribed narcotics, monthly drug screening is required. Because of the events happening in my life, my doctor had a little formal and informal chit chat, girl talk. She genuinely cares and we like to talk! LOL! She warned me of potential muscle spasm that may occur and told me what to do when it

Heading to the Doctor's Office

happens.  Little did I know, in a few hours I’d be suffering and putting into practice the knowledge my doctor dropped.  Some of you may be spooky spiritual and believe that I allowed her to “speak pain into my spirit.” Well that’s SILLY! I believe it was divine intervention. God used her to give me what I would need because I wasn’t scheduled to meet with the doctor. My appointment was with the nurse practitioner for the monthly drug screening and vital sign check.  If I did not know what to do I would have been in the emergency room last night. It was that bad! Last night was restless because my leg muscles had a mind of its own. Without my approval, my muscles in my right leg were twisting and turning in ways unimaginable. For most of the muscle attacks, I was home alone. My girls were out celebrating the New Year and my husband was in church. I could not move to even get to a phone. When everything is removed from you, and you feel helpless you have a choice --- PANIC or TRUST GOD. I tell you what, I CRIED OUT TO THE LORD!

This morning I woke up with spasms. A muscle relaxer has helped. Praying the rest of the day goes well. I plan to cook today. We will be chowing on Red Beans, Sausage & Rice, and Gumbo (taking it out of the freezer). Non-traditional, but good!